Following Intuition...

If you have a gut instinct that someone is lying to you, they just may be doing that.  It's hard to keep a straight face when your telling a lie, at least if you are an honest person.  But if you are psychopath, lies come out mouths  easier than the truth.  Lies become you.  Absorbed in lies, how do you keep them straight?  I would like to know  why lies seem to hurt worse than the truth.  I can handle anything. I am strong willed, strong minded and smart.  Also, I have been cheated on, used and abused many times.  So, when a man comes in my life and shows any signs of these things to come, it is obvious.  It's a red flag I never miss, but sometimes I question if I am putting my past hurts on my future.   I no longer will wonder this.  If it doesn't work, it doesn't.   If your full of shit, you are just that, full of shit. 

 I don't have time for bullshitters.  I've had too many in my life and won't keep them around anymore. I'd rather be empty and alone than live a lie.  To all you compulsive liars out there, here is a clue, stop lying and start living.  Live a life of truth.  It's far harder to do than living in lies.  It takes patience, understanding, compassion, and most of all LOVE for those in your life.  Lying to the people in your life, only proves the people you lie to, deserve better than you.  And EVENTUALLY, all your friends and family will walk away.

And the past comes calling...

I fell asleep with butterflies and woke with them too.  Starting a new state of mind is hard to do when your past randomly pops up out of nowhere.

The feelings that I am contemplating are leaving me unglued.  With all the time and space between the past I've left behind.  A simple phone call spills my guts and makes me wanna cry, only for a fleeting moment.  Then, I decide...  he left us so long ago, before I made this move.  So, feeling guilty for taking Eli away is dumb when he'd already left us behind.  It was as if we existed only as an afterthought and thinking of this I remember why I left.  It's not that I'd cry because I miss him.  I'm over him to my core.  But he is the father of my child, and any normal person would hope for something more.

The more that I would hope for, is for him to give a shit, when I was doing whatever I could to get diapers for our kid.  I asked for 20 dollars in August and he didn't even care, that his son and I were struggling, just to make end's meet.  Considering he hasn't paid child support in well over a year, and even when we were together he paid 200 a month for our son, utilities and rent.  Our rent was 800 a month.  So, picture that.  It's BULL SHIT.  But I'd rather have no money from him than give any control over us.

The tears I shed for years have dried, as did my feelings for you long ago, like a wrinkled prune.  Now please, when you exit stage left, do not turn it around on me.  You were absent when I was present.  I tried and tried again to offer an olive branch, to let our son hear your voice, but for what?  Was it for me?  Because Eli doesn't remember you and you had brushed him aside before we left WA.   Don't tell me that you miss us.  Just walk away and forget.  Delete my number.  Move on.  Blaming me for leaving for a better life for Eli, one that you will miss, purely out of selfishness and I won't live with regrets.  The day will come you'll come after us, when your a grown man and you realize you lost your son for a bag of weed and XBOX; and it'll be too late, he will be older and wiser and see through your bull shit.

As winter starts to creep up....

I have some thoughts I wanna get out this morning.  They will be random, just so ya know before reading any further.  What do I want?  What do I need?  I do not want a part-time job working minimum wage with a bachelor's degree.  It makes me feel like the four years I spent in college were all a waste of time and money.  Yes I gained a lot of knowledge, life experiences, had many adventures and meet a lot of amazing people.  But, what next?   Do I work a part-time job to pay for daycare and have no other money?   No.  I can't and I won't. I will continue to write, look for GOOD jobs, and hope & pray one finds me.

I am about to have the place I live to myself.  Eli and I will have our own rooms.  Which will be VERY good for us both.  I have tons of ideas of my papers I am gonna write and I have already began three; one on butterflies and butterfly gardens, one on poetry and another on reusing broken toys in shadow boxes.  Yes this may sound BORING to you, but I am excited.  Because I AM A NERD :D

Please let my good karma come into play, keep the great people in my life safe and happy and also, bring me some new friends and inspirations.

As winter comes creeping up....  I realize I have a shit ton to do today, and I need to start that pot of coffee.

Getting Back in the Groove...

My parents are visiting still from WA state and it's mostly been very good!  Less stress than I anticipated.  Breathing, stating your needs and being upfront is the only way to go.  In a few days I will be getting back into the groove of things with Eli.  I have several projects I am about to start and ideas for articles.  I am looking forward to all of these things, but for this moment.... I AM SO EXHAUSTED.  I took a nap yesterday for like half an hour, I woke up in a puddle of drool.  I never drool!  I passed out.  lol.  Yay to new projects.  Boo to exhaustion.  Thanks for reading, sorry its random and BORING :)

All You Need to Know About Composting!

All You Need to Know About Composting!

Thinking, Dreading, Breathing...

Waking up this morning...  exhausted.  Out of coffee.  Not a good sign to start the day.  My mom and step dad will be flying in from WA state in exactly four days. I started counting down the days once it hit two weeks.  Counting down in a good way and a bad way.  I love my mom so very much but she does tend to stress me out sometimes.  Hopefully, this visit there won't be any bombs dropped on me.  And considering I haven't asked them for any favors, there shouldn't be a problem.

One thing I know I will have to hear is about my mom thinking I should fly back and get rid of everything in my storage or let her get rid of it all for me.   NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN!  I will do what I have to do to pay it monthly until taxes next year and hopefully, I make enough to have it all shipped here.  I am positive I will also hear things like, "Eli should talk more, he should drink more milk, he needs lots of meats and veggies, you are reading to him right?"

I don't mind answering these questions it's mostly the fact that I am repeatedly asked these things, and also... GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!  I am a single mother.  My mother was never a single mom, she had my dad, asshole or not he was there for us kids.  Then immediately after that she had Gary.  I live with my uncle who is a very busy man and never around.  I am the sole parent, the sole teacher, the one constant in Eli's life and I am human, not perfect.  I do my best.  I take care of him and myself as well as I was taught how to.  And in my opinion I have, so far, raised a smart, healthy and functional little boy.  As I force myself to take a much needed deep breath I realize my feelings are in my own control and I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad about who I am, about my decision to move to NC and my parenting skills.  Now that I have vented, I really am looking forward to seeing them, I really am!

Composting, A great way to Go!

I am working on an article on hubpages... here is a sneak peak...

"The reasons adding a compost as an addition to your garden can be explained from a variety of different perspectives; from saving money, preserving the environment and providing healthier soil for your garden!  

Like I said above not only is composting saving you money but it can also very beneficial to your garden! The nutrients that composting helps add to the soil are carbon and nitrogen.  Adding this to your flower or vegetable garden helps it to retain moisture, which in affect also reduces the need to water all the time. This in turn saves not only money but time spent watering the garden.

Composting is the process of turning uneatable parts of foods, scraps, and other organic materials into a superrich soil that can be turned around and reused in your garden. This process has so many benefits not merely money saving reasons:

• It cuts down on the monthly garbage bill.
• Will reduce the odor of things being in a trash can & how often you take it out
• Will lower the price used on fertilizers for your garden.
• It helps the environment by not adding these materials to landfills.  "

This is just a sneak peak... I also am giving information on how to make a compost area, what to compost and what not to compost and much more!  

Is internet dating all there is left?

"is internet dating all there is left"     an article i wrote on hubpages.com, sweet with a bite

All you have to do is turn on the television and you hear it everyday, "1 in 5 relationships is started online." There are many reasons why searching for a partner on the internet has become the "new way to date." Many people find it easier to search through a massive amount of people by flipping through pictures and profiles, than going into the real world. Some people are too busy with work to get out anywhere to find anyone. Even when the time is found, bar hopping, going out to dinner, bowling, church; where is a good place to find someone?

I have been navigating the internet dating scene on and off for the last year and a half.  I met the last boyfriend I had, which lasted about 9 months, from Plenty of Fish.  Plenty of Fish is one of the few dating sites which is free.  It is a massive search engine to find lots of men and find them fast.  You can't complain about there being a lack of people to look for on the site, that is for sure.  However an easy complaint is how ridiculous most people are on there.  I never knew I could find such a large amount of people who don't say what they mean and don't mean what they say.  I think it's turned from a "Dating site" to a "hook-up site"  and those seriously looking for relationships are left behind.  

When the picking gets so slim that it resorts to internet dating, sometime's it may be smart to think again. Is it so bad to be alone? People can be seen as almost anyone they want in a message, a text or even through an attached picture.

Signs in an internet relationship that she's/he's just not that into you, are the following...

a)Even after communicating via the internet for awhile, they do not give out their phone #. Either they secretly are married or in a relationship or they truly not interested in you except for boredom or possibly sex.

b)One sided video chats where they want to see you but their camera is conveniently "broken" and buying one is continuously put off. Either they are not who they say they are, and do not want to reveal their true selves, or they have multiple people watching.

c)Doesn't reply to messages but acts as if no messages were received.

d) the first question asked is "do you have nude pictures or can I see your ________"

e)ONLY messages you at odd hours

Waking up with random thoughts....

Waking up today by my son crawling all over me, "Mama Mama." My day like any other, except a slight ringing in my ear and some minor congestion.  Please don't tell me I'm getting sick this early in the fall.  It was even warm yesterday, cloudy and sometimes a little rainy but warm nonetheless.  All of a sudden I had an urge to do a free-write.  And this is how to came to me, through my mind and with a pen. 

Soul searching, living, learning, never giving up, always up front, honesty is key to serenity, accepting all things, and happiness this brings.  And as the days pass away the inside me chooses to stay, light of heart, emotions never apart from the person I choose to be today.  With hope, love and forgiveness I wake anew today. 

Every day is a new beginning.  Yesterday has past and we don't have to relive it unless by choice, recreating the events in our minds.   While tomorrow holds the future, but today, today is what we make it.  Although I am not feeling the best physically I am going to tough it out, drink some coffee, do some birthday planning for Eli, clean around the house and definitely make some kind of delicious homemade soup.  I could choose to lay around and do nothing, but that just won't do.  So, off I go to be productive :)  I hope everyone has a great day & remember, most of our days are what we make it!   Thanks for reading... 

Settling is a Way of the Past

For years I chose to hide.  Hide behind myself.  Hide from the world.  I wanted to run as far from my past as possible.  Little did I realize, your past cannot be run from because it is carried with you.  The only way to be free of our pasts is to confront it face on, accept it as it was, and let it go in order to move forward.   Moving forward can only be done when this happens.  Confrontation being the worst part of it all.  In this process I have learned a lot about myself.  I have learned for years I have settled with being unhappy with people.  I choose to stay with people out of pity, guilt or loneliness.  Also, chose to stay with my son's father, saying it was for Eli.  But what is best for Eli is mama being happy, not settling for less than we both deserve.  As I look back on my life I see constant settling for being miserable. And I no longer will feed into this habit.  I will not settle for anything less than butterflies, anything short of amazing, and I not only do this for Eli but for myself.  I am now at a point in my life where I am not giving into the lonliness, the need to be wanted and loved.  I am going to keep on keeping on, being honest on the path I am on, with other's and with myself...  And somewhere along the line I will find the man of my dreams.  I am in no rush to do so.  I am on a road that I can only travel alone, conftronting, accepting, embracing, and letting go of all that has haunted me.  I am no longer running from myself and my past, but hitting it straight on.  This may be a hard time in my life but I know this is the only way to happiness.   Accept me as I am or move right along....

Passing Judgement By Outward Appearances

There are many of us quickly passed over and criticized, from our outward appearances.   Funny how a tattoo can be the definition of a hellion, someone out of place, different and hard.  Somehow a drawing on a body portrays this to some.  And that is all it is, drawings on our bodies, which some carefully choose with meaning and significance while other's choose randomness.  Funny how a pair of fishnets make some perceive you as a slut or wearing all black means you must be in a cult.  A bright color in your hair, dreadlocks, a "different" hair cut; and we are all freaks.  Do not judge so easily by the outside appearance of other's.  Our hearts still beat the same, we all experience the same emotions and we all feel the need to be wanted and accepted.  This doesn't mean we should change ourselves to be accepted though.  If you are uncomfortable with the appearance of others, that's your own problem.  I will never bend to someone's will about how I should look, as long as I am happy with myself, that is all that matters.

Where I'm at upstairs...

Tempting fate...
Don't hesitate...


Ready for something amazingly good to drop in my life and stay there for good.  Looking for a job, any job at this point...   I've been driving all over North Carolina trying to find one.  Where are they?  Well, most of them are nonexistent.  But I am not giving up.  Whether I use my degree or not it doesn't matter to me. At this point I need work so that I can get my son in daycare for him to get the social development he needs SUPER BAD!   And I am not gonna lie, I need a break from him...   if you can consider work a break?  lol.  Time makes the heart grow fonder and with the terrible two's already beginning I need a little outside help.  Finding a job and a good daycare is now my top priority.

Confronting reality...

Coming to a realization of who I am, what I want and where I will go from here.  I've come to a point in my life where I have become aware that I have been running... running from my past.  I have been running so long that I don't even know where to begin.   I've hid behind things.  I've hid from myself for years.   Confronting the terrible things that shaped my depression, my insecurities, my weaknesses, and my personality is the hardest thing I have ever had to face.  I can't even fathom how to do it.  I want to run again...  and I don't.   I want to be happy.  I want to be loved, accepted and I want to love and accept someone.

So, what now?  Where do I go from here?

Don't let your garden go to waste, can it!

I wrote a hub on hubpages.com about my gigantic garden this year and how to can and preserve it!  This summer has been a fruitful one and my garden is still flourishing.  I am so blessed that I was able to do this and also able keep it going and thriving.   The article or "hub" rather, is as pasted below.   I am going to be adding to it as I am still learning and making new recipes every week!

http://sweetwithabite.hubpages.com/hub/dontwaste-canit


Thanks all!

Bekah

Ignorance to the Egyptian Struggle

I am writing this blog to get out some of my thoughts about the protests going on in Egypt out of my head, and on paper in hope that maybe, just MAYBE I open one person's eyes.  The lack of attention it is getting from most of the people I know and I'm sure many others is appalling.  It is devastating to see people so involved with what bar they plan on attending tonight and not giving a moment's notice to the violence erupting around the world. 

 The president of Egypt is Hosni Mubarak. His first term began on 14 October 1981, and from September 2005 has been serving his fifth term in office. There is no constitutional limit upon the number of terms that any one individual can serve as president, as president he's also the supreme commander of the armed forces and head of the executive branch of the Egyptian government.  This gives him complete control over everything.

Oh and this election he "WON," this is how many people voted 7,059,010 and this is the actual population of Egypt 82,999,393!

 

Another thing we need to think about the USA has given billions of dollars to Egypt, and we must ask, "where is this money going?"  With an unemployment rate in Egypt that has jumped from 8.8% to 9.4% from 2008 to 2009.   We have to wonder who the billion's of dollars is helping?  It surely isn't helping the people who are unemployed or creating any new jobs.  I have to ask myself, how is this benefiting Obama?  Because he is in no rush to do what needs to happen.  

 

Mubarak needs to be removed from the presidency.  If we do anything it should be to arrange a REAL ELECTION, where the entire population of voting age is given the option to CHOOSE their next president.  And there should be more options than merely MUBARAK.  

 

Wake up America.  Although we are living across the seas in better living conditions without the threats of dictatorship does not mean we should have our eyes closed to what is happening in the world.