Following Intuition...

If you have a gut instinct that someone is lying to you, they just may be doing that.  It's hard to keep a straight face when your telling a lie, at least if you are an honest person.  But if you are psychopath, lies come out mouths  easier than the truth.  Lies become you.  Absorbed in lies, how do you keep them straight?  I would like to know  why lies seem to hurt worse than the truth.  I can handle anything. I am strong willed, strong minded and smart.  Also, I have been cheated on, used and abused many times.  So, when a man comes in my life and shows any signs of these things to come, it is obvious.  It's a red flag I never miss, but sometimes I question if I am putting my past hurts on my future.   I no longer will wonder this.  If it doesn't work, it doesn't.   If your full of shit, you are just that, full of shit. 

 I don't have time for bullshitters.  I've had too many in my life and won't keep them around anymore. I'd rather be empty and alone than live a lie.  To all you compulsive liars out there, here is a clue, stop lying and start living.  Live a life of truth.  It's far harder to do than living in lies.  It takes patience, understanding, compassion, and most of all LOVE for those in your life.  Lying to the people in your life, only proves the people you lie to, deserve better than you.  And EVENTUALLY, all your friends and family will walk away.

And the past comes calling...

I fell asleep with butterflies and woke with them too.  Starting a new state of mind is hard to do when your past randomly pops up out of nowhere.

The feelings that I am contemplating are leaving me unglued.  With all the time and space between the past I've left behind.  A simple phone call spills my guts and makes me wanna cry, only for a fleeting moment.  Then, I decide...  he left us so long ago, before I made this move.  So, feeling guilty for taking Eli away is dumb when he'd already left us behind.  It was as if we existed only as an afterthought and thinking of this I remember why I left.  It's not that I'd cry because I miss him.  I'm over him to my core.  But he is the father of my child, and any normal person would hope for something more.

The more that I would hope for, is for him to give a shit, when I was doing whatever I could to get diapers for our kid.  I asked for 20 dollars in August and he didn't even care, that his son and I were struggling, just to make end's meet.  Considering he hasn't paid child support in well over a year, and even when we were together he paid 200 a month for our son, utilities and rent.  Our rent was 800 a month.  So, picture that.  It's BULL SHIT.  But I'd rather have no money from him than give any control over us.

The tears I shed for years have dried, as did my feelings for you long ago, like a wrinkled prune.  Now please, when you exit stage left, do not turn it around on me.  You were absent when I was present.  I tried and tried again to offer an olive branch, to let our son hear your voice, but for what?  Was it for me?  Because Eli doesn't remember you and you had brushed him aside before we left WA.   Don't tell me that you miss us.  Just walk away and forget.  Delete my number.  Move on.  Blaming me for leaving for a better life for Eli, one that you will miss, purely out of selfishness and I won't live with regrets.  The day will come you'll come after us, when your a grown man and you realize you lost your son for a bag of weed and XBOX; and it'll be too late, he will be older and wiser and see through your bull shit.

As winter starts to creep up....

I have some thoughts I wanna get out this morning.  They will be random, just so ya know before reading any further.  What do I want?  What do I need?  I do not want a part-time job working minimum wage with a bachelor's degree.  It makes me feel like the four years I spent in college were all a waste of time and money.  Yes I gained a lot of knowledge, life experiences, had many adventures and meet a lot of amazing people.  But, what next?   Do I work a part-time job to pay for daycare and have no other money?   No.  I can't and I won't. I will continue to write, look for GOOD jobs, and hope & pray one finds me.

I am about to have the place I live to myself.  Eli and I will have our own rooms.  Which will be VERY good for us both.  I have tons of ideas of my papers I am gonna write and I have already began three; one on butterflies and butterfly gardens, one on poetry and another on reusing broken toys in shadow boxes.  Yes this may sound BORING to you, but I am excited.  Because I AM A NERD :D

Please let my good karma come into play, keep the great people in my life safe and happy and also, bring me some new friends and inspirations.

As winter comes creeping up....  I realize I have a shit ton to do today, and I need to start that pot of coffee.

Getting Back in the Groove...

My parents are visiting still from WA state and it's mostly been very good!  Less stress than I anticipated.  Breathing, stating your needs and being upfront is the only way to go.  In a few days I will be getting back into the groove of things with Eli.  I have several projects I am about to start and ideas for articles.  I am looking forward to all of these things, but for this moment.... I AM SO EXHAUSTED.  I took a nap yesterday for like half an hour, I woke up in a puddle of drool.  I never drool!  I passed out.  lol.  Yay to new projects.  Boo to exhaustion.  Thanks for reading, sorry its random and BORING :)

All You Need to Know About Composting!

All You Need to Know About Composting!

Thinking, Dreading, Breathing...

Waking up this morning...  exhausted.  Out of coffee.  Not a good sign to start the day.  My mom and step dad will be flying in from WA state in exactly four days. I started counting down the days once it hit two weeks.  Counting down in a good way and a bad way.  I love my mom so very much but she does tend to stress me out sometimes.  Hopefully, this visit there won't be any bombs dropped on me.  And considering I haven't asked them for any favors, there shouldn't be a problem.

One thing I know I will have to hear is about my mom thinking I should fly back and get rid of everything in my storage or let her get rid of it all for me.   NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN!  I will do what I have to do to pay it monthly until taxes next year and hopefully, I make enough to have it all shipped here.  I am positive I will also hear things like, "Eli should talk more, he should drink more milk, he needs lots of meats and veggies, you are reading to him right?"

I don't mind answering these questions it's mostly the fact that I am repeatedly asked these things, and also... GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!  I am a single mother.  My mother was never a single mom, she had my dad, asshole or not he was there for us kids.  Then immediately after that she had Gary.  I live with my uncle who is a very busy man and never around.  I am the sole parent, the sole teacher, the one constant in Eli's life and I am human, not perfect.  I do my best.  I take care of him and myself as well as I was taught how to.  And in my opinion I have, so far, raised a smart, healthy and functional little boy.  As I force myself to take a much needed deep breath I realize my feelings are in my own control and I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad about who I am, about my decision to move to NC and my parenting skills.  Now that I have vented, I really am looking forward to seeing them, I really am!

Composting, A great way to Go!

I am working on an article on hubpages... here is a sneak peak...

"The reasons adding a compost as an addition to your garden can be explained from a variety of different perspectives; from saving money, preserving the environment and providing healthier soil for your garden!  

Like I said above not only is composting saving you money but it can also very beneficial to your garden! The nutrients that composting helps add to the soil are carbon and nitrogen.  Adding this to your flower or vegetable garden helps it to retain moisture, which in affect also reduces the need to water all the time. This in turn saves not only money but time spent watering the garden.

Composting is the process of turning uneatable parts of foods, scraps, and other organic materials into a superrich soil that can be turned around and reused in your garden. This process has so many benefits not merely money saving reasons:

• It cuts down on the monthly garbage bill.
• Will reduce the odor of things being in a trash can & how often you take it out
• Will lower the price used on fertilizers for your garden.
• It helps the environment by not adding these materials to landfills.  "

This is just a sneak peak... I also am giving information on how to make a compost area, what to compost and what not to compost and much more!