And the past comes calling...

I fell asleep with butterflies and woke with them too.  Starting a new state of mind is hard to do when your past randomly pops up out of nowhere.

The feelings that I am contemplating are leaving me unglued.  With all the time and space between the past I've left behind.  A simple phone call spills my guts and makes me wanna cry, only for a fleeting moment.  Then, I decide...  he left us so long ago, before I made this move.  So, feeling guilty for taking Eli away is dumb when he'd already left us behind.  It was as if we existed only as an afterthought and thinking of this I remember why I left.  It's not that I'd cry because I miss him.  I'm over him to my core.  But he is the father of my child, and any normal person would hope for something more.

The more that I would hope for, is for him to give a shit, when I was doing whatever I could to get diapers for our kid.  I asked for 20 dollars in August and he didn't even care, that his son and I were struggling, just to make end's meet.  Considering he hasn't paid child support in well over a year, and even when we were together he paid 200 a month for our son, utilities and rent.  Our rent was 800 a month.  So, picture that.  It's BULL SHIT.  But I'd rather have no money from him than give any control over us.

The tears I shed for years have dried, as did my feelings for you long ago, like a wrinkled prune.  Now please, when you exit stage left, do not turn it around on me.  You were absent when I was present.  I tried and tried again to offer an olive branch, to let our son hear your voice, but for what?  Was it for me?  Because Eli doesn't remember you and you had brushed him aside before we left WA.   Don't tell me that you miss us.  Just walk away and forget.  Delete my number.  Move on.  Blaming me for leaving for a better life for Eli, one that you will miss, purely out of selfishness and I won't live with regrets.  The day will come you'll come after us, when your a grown man and you realize you lost your son for a bag of weed and XBOX; and it'll be too late, he will be older and wiser and see through your bull shit.